I seem to be very attractive to spiders of many varieties, big ones, little ones, somewhere in between ones. It doesnít matter what they look like, they will be attracted to my apparently arachnoidish personality. I wish I could say that this bizarre trait is confined solely to spiders but it would appear otherwise, considering that I also hold an attraction for mice, beetles, flies, ants, bees, and funny looking little worms. I guess it would not be out of line to suggest that I have the ability to attract vermin of all shapes and sizes, including a larger-than-dinner-plate sizedspider that I met up with in the Philippines one memorable day. When I lived out in the country I did a lot of work outdoors and as a result, I always seemed to be accompanied by at least one member of the creepy-crawly family of critters. This fact I would usually discover as the bug made its ticklish way up my pantleg or down the back of my shirt. It could be that Daddy Long-legs spider that will crawl all over you and will always remain just out of your reach so you go comically insane trying to slap it while whirling in a circle looking for all the world like a dog chasing its tail, or more appropriately, trying to bite a bothersome flea. This, by the way, is always an attractive look if you are attempting to attract members of the opposite sex. I have had lady bugs hitching rides on my back, apparently looking for aphids to eat or some such thing. I have seen just one of those critters strip every louse from a severely infested house plant in less than a day, which makes me cringe wondering just what in the heck the bug finds so interesting about me. The same goes for male mosquitoes. In case you are wondering how in the heck I could possibly know if a mosquito is male or female, I will tell you this; if it is sucking your blood until your tan fades it is female. If it is flying loop-the-loops around your head and finally settles on your colorful shirt and starts trying to drink from it, it is male as they only suck juices from plants. It would appear that even male insects donít ask directions. You have heard the old fairy tale about kissing a frog and poof, he becomes a handsome prince? Well, trust me when I tell you it does not work quite that way. Sure you can kiss a frog if you are so inclined, but you are unlikely to get a prince out of the deal. Generally speaking, what you will actually get is slimy lips and a terrible photo of you performing the dirty deed which will be exhibited on the
internet for the world to see for the next five years. No, you canít get a handsome prince from kissing a frog, but you can get an interesting life-long reputation. You may also make a short, green friend in the process, but he will definitely be something less than prince-like. I know of a ten year old girl who did kiss a frog once...on the lips. I watched her do it, and I noted her disappointment that he did not suddenly incarnate as Prince Charming, with the charming crown, tights, cape and all. So I told her that her frog was retroactive. He would become a prince when she turned twenty. She was pretty much satisfied with that disclosure, which makes me think I should have upped it to age thirty. Oh well, live and learn. I hope that when she does find him he doesnít just slap her with his tongue and hop away. Being attractive to vermin does have its upside. For one thing, I donít need to carry a can of mace because who would accost a person wearing a tarantula? Also, I donít need to carry any insect repellent since the spiders will eat the flies, and the ladybugs will eat the aphids and whatever else is adorning me at the moment. Of course, the effect loses something when you are dealing with sane people. They tend to think of live critters worn on the person as being something less than respectable, unless the live critter is cruelly glued to a broach and lives its entire life pinned to your shoulder. Then it is called high fashion. Perhaps I should not totally embrace the vermin way of life, but how in the heck can I help it, when the darn things wonít leave me alone? Maybe I just need a new perspective. Perhaps if I looked at it from the bug point of view it would help. Then again, maybe not, as a bugís perspective on life just might be more frightening than I have ever anticipated. I know the poor things are attracted by hair spray, and probably to body odor as well, which is the source of all those shamefully unbathed cartoon characters we see with bugs flying in circles around their heads. In my case bathing is not the biggest issue but varnishing my hair with the spray could be a reckless idea, not because it might attract more bugs, but because the bugs that are already visiting might not be able to fly away. I would be stuck with rather interesting hair ornaments for the rest of the day. Hmm, now if I painted them gold and silver...well, the possibilities are endless. Maybe getting bugged is not such a bad idea after all.